


to hurt, to love

by MoraMew



Category: Haikyuu!!, Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Funerals, Grief and Loss, M/M, Pacific Rim AU, iwaizumi loving oikawa, widow!yachi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2020-03-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 06:42:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23347126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoraMew/pseuds/MoraMew
Summary: Death is a regretful familiarity in Iwaizumi's life.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 6
Kudos: 51





	to hurt, to love

**Author's Note:**

> this is a really, really old WIP that i just wanted to get out of the pile. finally finished it so /shrugs

Death is a regretful familiarity in Iwaizumi's life.  
  
He's seen friends die in the line of fire, family crushed, faceless civilians snuffed out. It never gets easier and it's always so very tiring.  
  
He closes his eyes despite how callous it may seem and takes a breath to try to steady himself. A flicker of warmth touches at him over the Drift and it helps, just a little.  
  
He doesn't even know why he's so tired with this one. He didn't know the man well, really. He knew of him, they spoke in the hall on occasion, had discussed theories together once or twice, had worked together. But he didn't _know_ him.  
  
Iwaizumi sighs and opens his eyes slowly, trying his best not to frown. He scans the crowd and ignores the speaker's words, distaste in his mouth at recycled platitudes.  
  
_It'll be over soon._  
  
He nearly huffs at the reassurance from his partner- since when is it that Oikawa is the one that has to soothe him?- but keeps quiet, tries to tune everything out.  
  
The flowers are nicer this time, Iwaizumi thinks near idly as he glances around. The man was prominent, though, so of course they would show more care.  
  
He feels Oikawa twitch beside him and bites at his inner cheek guilty, brushing his fingers over the back of his partner's hand in apology for his bitterness; he knows it must not feel good.  
  
Iwaizumi goes back to scanning the crowd and blinks when he spots someone small upfront, a veil covering their face and their arms wrapped around their stomach. Family maybe? A sister? A mother?  
  
"-has left behind a fiancee and a-"  
  
The figure bows forward with a sob at the word _fiancee_ and Iwaizumi suddenly feels terribly guilty with his improper display of grief.  
  
_How sad._  
  
Iwaizumi hums his agreement across the Drift and Oikawa twines their fingers together, steps a little bit closer to him. They hold hands loosely through the rest of the funeral and Iwaizumi keeps his eyes on the widow- is she a widow if they weren't married?- throughout.  
  
At one point he thinks she's going to collapse, but then someone grabs her arms and holds her upright, keeps her from falling to her knees.  
  
Both Oikawa and Iwaizumi echo some sort of disgust at the gesture and Iwaizumi holds Oikawa's hand a bit tighter, frowns and turns his attention from the woman.  
  
The procession drags on and finally, finally it's over with. There's supposed to be champagne and food and murmurs of "It was such a nice speech" and stories shared over the dead, but Iwaizumi doesn't want to take part.  
  
Of course, though, Oikawa drags him into it.  
  
He doesn't mean to, Iwaizumi thinks. Oikawa is just too bright for visiting parties to resist and their shared reputation has them cornered before an escape can be made. Oikawa at least has the decency to lead in answers and questions, soaks up the spotlight so Iwaizumi can block out the fuss that buzzes around him.  
  
It makes him want to sneer that they're getting attention when this time is supposed to be about honoring the dead.  
  
Iwaizumi barely manages to rein in his disapproval and, for the most part, is able to keep his expression neutral. There comes a question about a recent publicity shoot Oikawa wrangled Iwaizumi into, though, and that's where his patience breaks.  
  
With a frown, he reaches and touches the small of Oikawa's back, conveys his need for a break across the Ghost Drift. A ripple of understanding meets him and a promise to follow after him soon.  
  
Iwaizumi parts with a dry excuse of needing to talk to the Marshal and makes his escape.  
  
He doesn't go to the man but slips out into a side hallway and away from everyone.  
  
As soon as he is away from watchful eyes, he lets himself scowl and slump over.  
  
He really fucking hates these things.  
  
Iwaizumi should feel grateful, maybe, that it isn't for someone he knew well. He should feel grateful that he isn't dealing with nosy questions and calculating flirtations while mourning the loss of someone that means something to him.  
  
That thought is so bitter he can taste it on his tongue.  
  
Iwaizumi shakes his head as is he can dislodge his slow burning anger and nearly winces when he feels Oikawa's consciousness brush against his own.  
  
_I'm okay_ , he tells him. _I'm fine_.  
  
There's something like doubt the ripples from his partner but Oikawa leaves him be, just sends a quick lash of his particular brand of white hot care.  
  
It helps, but Iwaizumi is still left tired and frustrated, his fingers twitching with the ache for a cigarette.  
  
He begins to head toward a balcony and tries his best to think of other things.  
  
They have a tune up coming soon on their Jaeger. Their baby needs a new paint job, too. Sawamura and Sugawara are supposed to pop in for some kind of meeting in a month or so and that should make for some interesting times. Iwaizumi wonders if he can talk Oikawa into playing nice and going out to eat with the other pilots; Iwaizumi does have some sort of brotherly fondness for Sawamura and Sugawara does make amusing company. Maybe-  
  
Petulance ripples through Ghost Drift and Iwaizumi's lips twitch into a small smile, a soft snort leaving him.  
  
Even at a distance, his partner is able to pout at him like a little brat.  
  
_Rude, Iwa-chan_.  
  
Iwaizumi huffs and turns a corner, smile in place and a tiny bit of peace brought to him.  
  
His smile drops and his peace shatters when he hears the sound of a sniffle.  
  
Iwaizumi looks up and his heart drops, something cold and maybe a little apprehensive running through him.  
  
It's the fiancee. She's curled up in the corner of the hallway, legs drawn to her chest and head buried against her knees. She looks so small like that and it's so unsettling watching her shoulders shake and her body rock. She's silent now and that makes it worse, has Iwaizumi so unsure over whether he should try to back away or approach.  
  
He's never been good at these sort of things.  
  
_Iwa-chan?_  
  
Iwaizumi hesitates and whispers to Oikawa over the Ghost Drift about the maybe widow and Oikawa blinks in surprise back.  
  
_Ah, that's awkward._ _  
__  
__No shit._ _  
__  
__Is she crying?_ _  
__  
__I don't know._ _  
_  
The widow sniffles suddenly and her head lifts from her knees, face still covered by her veil. She jerks at the sight of Iwaizumi and he feels his eyes widen in response, some sort of shame running through him.  
  
_Well, now you have to comfort her. Try not to be your normal brute self._ _  
__  
__Get fucked, Trashykawa._ _  
__  
__Later, please. I want you to bend me over and fuck me until I can't speak._ _  
_  
And then Iwaizumi is blushing, in front of this grieving woman, like some kind of teenager.  
  
He could kill his partner.  
  
Iwaizumi takes a breath and licks at his lips, eyes the small woman. She hasn't moved except to press herself tighter into the corner and her veil is still hiding her face and Iwaizumi has no idea as to what he's supposed to say or do.  
  
So he goes with- "Are you okay?"  
  
Another sniffle, loud and upset. Her hands move to push the veil out of the way and Iwaizumi tries not to grimace when he finally catches a glimpse of her face.  
  
She’s so _young_.  
  
”I-I’m sorry,” she whispers, voice breaking. “I- I didn’t think anyone would come out- I’m _sorry_.”  
  
It makes his heart hurt to hear her apologize for her grief.  
  
”Hey, it’s okay,” he tells her, sincere but just a touch awkward. He moves to sit near her and she swallows hard, drips more tears down a mascara smeared face. “It’s okay to be upset.”  
  
She just shakes her head, swipes at her eyes with a shaky breath.  
  
”No- no. I’m sorry,” she mumbles. “I shouldn’t- I…”  
  
She cuts herself off and shudders, blinks as if she’s trying to make her tears disappear.  
  
Fuck, it hurts seeing someone grieve.  
  
Makes it that much worse that the people back at the visitation are trying to chat Oikawa up.  
  
_That’s not my fault!_  
  
Iwaizumi grimaces at the hurt that reaches him and silently apologizes to his partner, frowns when the widow starts crying harder.  
  
_I know, baby. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it._  
  
He gets a touch of forgiveness and Iwaizumi takes a deep breath, reaches out and gently touches the widow’s hand.  
  
”You can grieve,” he tells her, trying to offer some comfort. It’s hard for him- he’s not as good as Oikawa is at this. But. He tries.  
  
She doesn’t deserve to feel like she has to hold it all away.  
  
”I’ve been to more of these than I can count,” Iwaizumi continues, quietly. “It always hurts. Losing someone is no small thing. People get uncomfortable over it, though, and will try to tell you to be strong. That the people you love and have lost would want you to keep your tears from falling and hold your head up high. Suffer with… _dignity_.”  
  
He can’t help the disgust that comes with the word and looks to her, finds her eyes wide and watery and heartbroken. He takes a breath and gently squeezes her hand, tries to continue on before losing steam.  
  
”You don’t have to do that. You don’t have to stuff your hurt away to make others comfortable. Be upset. Cry. Mourn. You lost someone you love. You’re allowed to lose it. Fuck whoever tells you to keep it together.”  
  
The last bit comes out a bit angry, but he gets a surprised hiccup of a laugh for it. The widow smiles- small, and sad- and she sniffles, wipes away falling tears.  
  
”Thank- thank you,” she whispers, voice shaky. “I- thank you.”  
  
Iwaizumi nods and he rubs the back of her hand in an attempt to comfort her, stands and offers a sympathetic smile.  
  
”I’ll let you have some space,” he tells her. “And…I won’t tell anyone where you are, okay? Take your time.”  
  
The widow blinks and she nods, smiles at him for a moment through her tears.  
  
”Thank you,” she says, voice a little stronger. “Thank you. I- um, I’m sorry, but I don’t- I don’t know your name.”  
  
”Iwaizumi,” he offers up.  
  
A soft little noise leaves her and she nods. He thinks there’s some recognition that flashes across her face, but doesn’t elaborate on who he is, doesn’t try to take up space in her upset anymore.  
  
”I-I’m Yachi Hitoka,” she mumbles. “I…thank you, Iwaizumi-san. Truly.”  
  
Iwaizumi just nods and he turns to leave, lets her have her privacy and space.  
  
He doesn’t intend to go back to the visitation and the leeches there. But, as he walks, there’s a need that starts to rise in him and he abruptly finds himself heading back to the hall, finds himself pushing past the murmuring, polite but not interested socialites offering their condolences.  
  
It’s harder to part the way through the crowd near Oikawa, but he does it.  
  
”Oh, Iwa-chan-”  
  
Iwaizumi grabs onto Oikawa’s hand before anyone can try to grab his attention and he pulls him through everyone, marches determinedly through the hall and outside the room.  
  
”Iwa-chan! Iwa-chan, what are you _doing_?”  
  
He doesn’t say anything. He pulls his lover, his partner, away from everyone and out into the blissfully empty hallway. He pulls him close and he holds him, kisses him with an overwhelming love that he _needs_ his partner to feel.  
  
”I love you,” Iwaizumi tells him through kisses, through holding him close and so near. “I love you so much.”  
  
”Iwa-chan- Iwa-chan, I love you too. Why are you-”  
  
Iwaizumi pulls back just enough to look at Oikawa and he feels his eyes sting a little, puts his hand to Oikawa’s flushed cheek and looks into those beautiful brown eyes.  
  
”You don’t leave me, okay?” Iwaizumi tells him, knowing he’s being intense and knowing he’s throwing his lover off and not _caring_. “I love you. I love you so much.”  
  
Oikawa’s flush deepens and he smiles, put his own hand up to cover Iwaizumi’s.  
  
”I love you too, Iwa-chan,” he whispers.  
  
The warmth that flares in Iwaizumi’s chest could melt the strongest steel.  
  
He kisses Oikawa again and then drops his hand just to hold Oikawa’s, tugs him gently to start walking.  
  
”Let’s get out of here, okay?” Iwaizumi tells him. “Let’s just…let’s get out of here.”  
  
Oikawa hums and holds his hand tighter, follows along and stays close enough that Iwaizumi can feel his body heat wash over him.  
  
”Okay, Iwa-chan. Okay.”


End file.
